Tuesday, October 2, 2012
We have our baby girl!
So,
As I am typing this our little one is in her bassinet fussing a little bit.....Okay I'm back...I just got the phone, scanned a paper into ou insurance guy and paid a bill. Now I am holding baby I and typing with one hand.
Having a new baby isn't easy, especially the lack of sleep. But I just have a giant smile in my heart, because Heavenly Father answered our prayers and sent us this precious baby that fits so well into our family. She has such a familiarity about her. We have bonded since the first day and I can't imagine life without her.
Here's her story:
So, we had been feeling a sense of urgency that our new daughter would be joining our family soon. I was nudging our adoption agency Heart and Soul adoptions a bit. They said that the birth moms here were all expecting boys or unknown. It was so hard to wait.
One morning Wes and I were talking and thinking about maybe opening it up to boys, but I still wanted our daughter to have a sister so bad! But, we thought maybe the Lord wanted us to get a boy. I still didn't feel good about it. Wes left the room and saw L out in the front room playing. He came back in and said, I think we should open it up to travel and keep it to girls only. That morning I checked my email and it was from one of the ladies at Heart & Soul. She said she had a situation that we may be interested in, it was a baby girl who was born the day before in Michigan and they would choose us for her if we were interested in traveling out there. I talked to Wes and showed him the email. It had a picture of her in it.
We both felt good about it. The lady at the agency said she would like us to be in Michigan the next morning. We spent most of that day ordering our tickets online/over the phone and packing and finding a babysitter for our 3 kids at home.
Then we flew out. When we landed we texted the agency and asked if the Birth mom K had signed. They replied back, "Yes!" We were so excited and still in shock.
We got our stuff and headed to the hospital. When we were waiting in the waiting room for the social worker there was this African American lady that walked past a few times. I thought it could be K, but wasn't sure. Then another girl came in and bought a bag of chips from the vending machines, slowly. Then she turned around and said, "Can I ask you guys a question? Are you the J family?" We said "yes" and she introduced herself as K's best friend.
When we went into the hospital room K & A (her best friend)were laying sideways and baby I was in the middle of them all bundled up. I walked over to K and she stood up and we hugged. Wes and I both asked how she was doing and she said fine. Then she walked over and got baby I and asked if we wanted to hold her. Of course I said Yes and I started bawling. The birth mom then started crying and went into the bathroom to compose herself.
To make a long story short she named her Anasia Renee and we ended up using her first name as her middle name. We signed some papers. It wasn't as dramatic as I was expecting. We only saw the social worker for a few minutes.The birth mom loves baby I so much, she had a hard time. So, did her best friend. She (K's best friend) wanted her mom to adopt her, but it just didn't work out that way.
When we went to say good bye it was hard. She leaned in the car seat that Wes was holding and gave her daughter a kiss. Then she and her best friend called a bus/van to come pick them up and we left in our rental car. Everything went so smooth.
From our past experiences I was in such shock that it went so well. I was expecting something to go wrong and for someone to take her from us.
We went to the store to get a few things and then checked into our hotel. In the mean time we had managed to lose our nice Cannon camera. It made me just sick to my stomach. Not only because it was expensive, but that camera had valuable pictures on it. Good thing Wes felt inspired to at least take one picture with his cell phone. So, we have one picture of the birth mom with baby I in the hospital.
We ended up staying in our hotel, going out to dinner once, and the store a few times. Then we flew home. Which, I was still expecting someone to say for some reason we couldn't take her and rip her out of our arms.
Now it is a few weeks later. We are sleep deprived to say the least and even though she gets fussy a bit, (like a normal baby does) and taking care of a newborn is a full time job...we just love her and feel so blessed every day that we have our sweet beautiful baby I.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Part 5- Starting to show birth moms... again
In July we started showing our profile to new birth moms after visiting with the new adoption agency we are working with.
We had started emailing the main lady back and forth and she asked if we were interested in kids older than babies. We said, "Yes" and she said that they had a birth mom ("M") that had 22 month old AA twins (a boy and a girl) that she was trying to place. She was from NY and was afraid of traveling. We said since she wasn't willing to come here we were afraid to get burned again, so we absolutely won't travel out of state. To make a long story short...she ended up flying out here with the twins. She chose us, we were just about ready to travel down and meet them when the agency called us and told us that her attorney said that she had violated her court order (something to do with her meds). She ended up having to travel back to NY and appear in front of a judge and I think her kids are back with the state there. It was heart wrenching. We saw pics of them (they were so cute), knew their names, etc.
We then showed birth mom "B" who was expecting a baby girl in August. She had placed before with the agency and we felt like our chances were really good. Well, we had a one in three chance. She ended up choosing the family that had her other child.
Then there was another birth mom ("K") expecting another AA baby girl. We found out about her a little under a week before she was going to deliver in Utah. She took longer than she thought to choose, because there were 3 great families to pick from. I prayed so hard that she would choose us. She ended up going with another family. I bawled.
Now it is August and I am trying to focus on my preschool starting soon, and the kids' swimming lessons daily, and other things. But, it is so hard not to pray hard that we will get a healthy baby girl soon. We feel that when the time is right it will happen, but it's hard not to get discouraged after almost 3 1/2 years. (Well, we started the paperwork in November 2008). But, didn't start showing birth moms until June 2009, I think.
It's weird because when we are in the process of showing a birth mom our profile and we know the details of her and her baby, it is so hard not to focus on it. It's like time stands still and that's all I can think about and pray about and dream about. Wes says that I should just not focus on it and until she chooses us, don't get my hopes up. I guess men and women are just different. I can't just not focus on it. :)
Wes says that after showing 20 birth moms through this new agency and not being chosen, we are done and it will be a sign we will just have to move on with our lives. So, we'll see. We only have 17 more chances. Our odds are way better with this agency though. The last agency we dealt with showed like 20 profiles at a time. That's ridiculous. Our new agency shows about 3 each time. It will happen. Right? We'll see.
We had started emailing the main lady back and forth and she asked if we were interested in kids older than babies. We said, "Yes" and she said that they had a birth mom ("M") that had 22 month old AA twins (a boy and a girl) that she was trying to place. She was from NY and was afraid of traveling. We said since she wasn't willing to come here we were afraid to get burned again, so we absolutely won't travel out of state. To make a long story short...she ended up flying out here with the twins. She chose us, we were just about ready to travel down and meet them when the agency called us and told us that her attorney said that she had violated her court order (something to do with her meds). She ended up having to travel back to NY and appear in front of a judge and I think her kids are back with the state there. It was heart wrenching. We saw pics of them (they were so cute), knew their names, etc.
We then showed birth mom "B" who was expecting a baby girl in August. She had placed before with the agency and we felt like our chances were really good. Well, we had a one in three chance. She ended up choosing the family that had her other child.
Then there was another birth mom ("K") expecting another AA baby girl. We found out about her a little under a week before she was going to deliver in Utah. She took longer than she thought to choose, because there were 3 great families to pick from. I prayed so hard that she would choose us. She ended up going with another family. I bawled.
Now it is August and I am trying to focus on my preschool starting soon, and the kids' swimming lessons daily, and other things. But, it is so hard not to pray hard that we will get a healthy baby girl soon. We feel that when the time is right it will happen, but it's hard not to get discouraged after almost 3 1/2 years. (Well, we started the paperwork in November 2008). But, didn't start showing birth moms until June 2009, I think.
It's weird because when we are in the process of showing a birth mom our profile and we know the details of her and her baby, it is so hard not to focus on it. It's like time stands still and that's all I can think about and pray about and dream about. Wes says that I should just not focus on it and until she chooses us, don't get my hopes up. I guess men and women are just different. I can't just not focus on it. :)
Wes says that after showing 20 birth moms through this new agency and not being chosen, we are done and it will be a sign we will just have to move on with our lives. So, we'll see. We only have 17 more chances. Our odds are way better with this agency though. The last agency we dealt with showed like 20 profiles at a time. That's ridiculous. Our new agency shows about 3 each time. It will happen. Right? We'll see.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Part 4- Foster Care placement #2
So, we had decided to try to adopt through a new agency that our adoption attorney had recommended. We got all our paperwork in and had just gotten our home study done when I saw an email about some foster kids that needed a placement. We were just about to let our Foster Care license expire, but we felt really good about these kids. There were 3 of them ages: 6-male, 3-male, and 2-female. The email didn't mention anything about sexual abuse (that's why we never wanted to take in kids who were older than our kids). They were being removed for domestic violence. So, we prayed about it and decided to try to get these kids. The caseworkers agreed we would be a good fit, and we went to meet the kids at a shelter. They had been there for 2 weeks.
To make a long story short...they were really cute, but the 3 year old I worried about being able to handle. When we brought them home they all cried themselves to sleep for like an hour and a half. It took a while for them to adjust, but they finally went to bed well after about a week. They weren't used to sleeping in their own beds, let alone even having a routine. My instinct was right, the 3 year old was hard to handle, had a really hard time sharing, and through tantrums a lot. When we would put him in time out he would hit his head and try to claw my arms if it got to the point where I would have to hold him. He really struggled.
We ended up potty training all of them, helping the 6 year old learn how to read and count better. The 2 year old learned to talk complete sentences (the two youngest couldn't speak hardly at all when we first got them). The 3 year old made a ton of improvement as well. They all made a lot of progress in our home. At court once the birth moms attorney tried to turn the cards on us and make us look like abusive parents. It was one of the hardest experiences of my life. Just sitting there in court listening to them fighting against us on false allegations. The six year old had exaggerated a lot and lied to his mom. It was hard to take those kids home that night, we felt so vulnerable and betrayed.
Then later in the spring we found out these kids had been exposed to sexual abuse while living with their mom. I found out through my research that the crying and tantrums that the 3 year old boy would do could be associated with sexual abuse. It got to the point where he would cry a ton over just little things. It got so frustrating and confusing. I remember one day just feeling strongly that we shouldn't pursue adoption with these kids. I was so burnt out, plus felt like it was never ending having to watch these foster kids so close, to make sure no abuse went on in our home. Wes felt the same.
I felt really guilty and sad, because we loved these kids. Even though they were so hard to take care of. We started telling the case workers to look for another family. They slowly started looking, while the children progressively got worse, their behavior got similar to when we first got them and my anxiety was through the roof. Whenever we would go out in public the fighting and tantrums were embarrassing. And believe me, I held my ground with being consistent.
We started having them face the wall for time out. That didn't work. The boys started rubbing their foreheads on the wall. They both made marks. Which made us look like abusive foster parents. Again, to make a long story short.. I had talked with one of the new therapists at this family counseling place and I broke down to her telling her that we were burnt out and done with these kids. She took it the wrong way that we were hurting the kids or something and she had the cops come out to our house on false suspicions to do a safety check, she didn't even know us.
The police were awesome in handling the situation, telling us they didn't see any sign of abuse, (they had to go in their rooms while they were sleeping and look over their bodies with flashlights), they told us that they were very impressed with us and we shouldn't worry. I told them that that was the last straw and we were going to sign the removal papers the next day. The cop guy said that maybe that is the right thing to do, is focus on our own kids. (Our biological kids were getting pushed in the background, because our foster kids required/demanded so much attention!)
The next day they had found another family for our foster kids. They are awesome and hopefully will be able to handle the kids. It gives me great comfort in knowing where they are now is a good home.
We learned a lot from foster care. But are relieved to be done with it. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, I had been pushed farther than ever before, but we are thankful we were able to help those kids for 9 months. We gave it our all, but still felt like we were under a microscope and being falsely accused left and right. They made me feel like a bad mom, even though we were the ones doing all the work day in and day out. I know that there are a lot of people who have a great experience doing foster care. We just wanted to share what our experience has been.
So, anyway.....I need to calm down. I know.
We have decided to pursue adoption again and start where we left off. We will start showing our profiles soon. This is our last shot. If things don't work out with this new agency, we will be done and have to just find joy in the journey we have had in trying to adopt.
We still feel and have always felt so blessed to have the 3 kids we have. We just feel that we have a great family and a good home for at least one more little one. We will have to see. Stay tuned for part 5. :)
To make a long story short...they were really cute, but the 3 year old I worried about being able to handle. When we brought them home they all cried themselves to sleep for like an hour and a half. It took a while for them to adjust, but they finally went to bed well after about a week. They weren't used to sleeping in their own beds, let alone even having a routine. My instinct was right, the 3 year old was hard to handle, had a really hard time sharing, and through tantrums a lot. When we would put him in time out he would hit his head and try to claw my arms if it got to the point where I would have to hold him. He really struggled.
We ended up potty training all of them, helping the 6 year old learn how to read and count better. The 2 year old learned to talk complete sentences (the two youngest couldn't speak hardly at all when we first got them). The 3 year old made a ton of improvement as well. They all made a lot of progress in our home. At court once the birth moms attorney tried to turn the cards on us and make us look like abusive parents. It was one of the hardest experiences of my life. Just sitting there in court listening to them fighting against us on false allegations. The six year old had exaggerated a lot and lied to his mom. It was hard to take those kids home that night, we felt so vulnerable and betrayed.
Then later in the spring we found out these kids had been exposed to sexual abuse while living with their mom. I found out through my research that the crying and tantrums that the 3 year old boy would do could be associated with sexual abuse. It got to the point where he would cry a ton over just little things. It got so frustrating and confusing. I remember one day just feeling strongly that we shouldn't pursue adoption with these kids. I was so burnt out, plus felt like it was never ending having to watch these foster kids so close, to make sure no abuse went on in our home. Wes felt the same.
I felt really guilty and sad, because we loved these kids. Even though they were so hard to take care of. We started telling the case workers to look for another family. They slowly started looking, while the children progressively got worse, their behavior got similar to when we first got them and my anxiety was through the roof. Whenever we would go out in public the fighting and tantrums were embarrassing. And believe me, I held my ground with being consistent.
We started having them face the wall for time out. That didn't work. The boys started rubbing their foreheads on the wall. They both made marks. Which made us look like abusive foster parents. Again, to make a long story short.. I had talked with one of the new therapists at this family counseling place and I broke down to her telling her that we were burnt out and done with these kids. She took it the wrong way that we were hurting the kids or something and she had the cops come out to our house on false suspicions to do a safety check, she didn't even know us.
The police were awesome in handling the situation, telling us they didn't see any sign of abuse, (they had to go in their rooms while they were sleeping and look over their bodies with flashlights), they told us that they were very impressed with us and we shouldn't worry. I told them that that was the last straw and we were going to sign the removal papers the next day. The cop guy said that maybe that is the right thing to do, is focus on our own kids. (Our biological kids were getting pushed in the background, because our foster kids required/demanded so much attention!)
The next day they had found another family for our foster kids. They are awesome and hopefully will be able to handle the kids. It gives me great comfort in knowing where they are now is a good home.
We learned a lot from foster care. But are relieved to be done with it. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, I had been pushed farther than ever before, but we are thankful we were able to help those kids for 9 months. We gave it our all, but still felt like we were under a microscope and being falsely accused left and right. They made me feel like a bad mom, even though we were the ones doing all the work day in and day out. I know that there are a lot of people who have a great experience doing foster care. We just wanted to share what our experience has been.
So, anyway.....I need to calm down. I know.
We have decided to pursue adoption again and start where we left off. We will start showing our profiles soon. This is our last shot. If things don't work out with this new agency, we will be done and have to just find joy in the journey we have had in trying to adopt.
We still feel and have always felt so blessed to have the 3 kids we have. We just feel that we have a great family and a good home for at least one more little one. We will have to see. Stay tuned for part 5. :)
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Part 3 - Foster Placement #1
So, we had strong feelings (even after being burned so bad) that we shouldn't give up. We decided to look into foster care and maybe some how we could get a baby or a young child through the state. We took all the classes, which was really hard. Thanks to my brother and sister in law who watched our kids during the 4 hour long classes, we were able to complete them. I think they were 8 weeks long, once a week. We got licensed and we were only open to girls 0-2. We were so nieve and thought it was taking forever when we didn't get a call for a few months. But, we do live in a smaller community and most foster parents are open to infants. One day in April of 2011 we got the call. Our RFC said she had a baby girl who was being removed from her mom because her mom was using Meth around her. We were so excited to get her and in a state of shock. We went into our local DCFS office with our kids and got there at the same time as baby T was coming in with some of the workers. They said it was really hard to take her because her mom loved her so much.
When we first saw baby T in her car seat I started crying. We adored her from the very beginning. We wanted her desperately! We brought her home and were still a little clueless how foster care worked. At the beginning of her case we were working toward reunification with her birth mom. It was hard to have a baby in our house. Babies are so hard! Having to get up and feed her in the night, change her diaper every few hours, etc. But, baby T was such a great baby. Our kids loved her too. They loved to help feed her. It was hard because I was teaching preschool and coaching soccer at the time we got her, but somehow we did it. We had to take her to see her mom about 2 times a week. Sometimes the birth mom wouldn't show up because she was out of state? or sick. I really started to get my hopes up at that time.
So, I went to court. I was so nervous! I remember I was the only one in the audience and sweaty and chilled. Did I mention we wanted baby T sooo bad? At that court date they had revoked the rights of the mother. I continued to get my hopes up. Plus, a few days before that I had taken her to get her hair checked for drug exposure. It was the highest number our DCFS workers had ever seen. It was way high, I can't remember the number.
A few days later the case worker started to tell us that Kinship had come forward. What? We thought there was no one, because baby T's birth mom had a flakey family who did drugs. I still thought we could plead our case and beg for her. We met the kinship. They were both overweight and kind hillbillies, okay now I am being mean. They already had 6 kids of their own and the youngest was 12. They appeared to be in their 50's. So, to make a long story short, the "team" had a meeting and they decided to place with this other family. What?! How could there even be a question who would be a better pick for baby T? It was like her great uncle. That's what makes me mad, all the rules about how kinship trumps all no matter what.
The day we had to give T to them was sooo hard. I packed up all her stuff. We gave her a letter and a picture of us as a family (with her in it), Wes & the kids said, "Goodbye". Wes cried and it was hard to see him that way. He hardly ever cries.
I took baby T to the DCFS office. I had our daughter L with me. She loved T so much! We handed T to her birth mom. I gave her a kiss on the forehead, and I cried (I mean sobbing out loud, the ugly cry) all the way down the hall.
It was hard to go back home and continue to clean up the baby stuff, again! I kind of put piles of things in my closet for a later time when I wasn't so emotional.
We still have pictures of baby T up in our house and miss her so much. She is over a year now. I'm sure she is happy with that other family. Another thing that made me mad is she was going to be having to go to daycare daily. Even after a year I am still mad about them choosing kinship over us. Oh well, life goes on.
When we first saw baby T in her car seat I started crying. We adored her from the very beginning. We wanted her desperately! We brought her home and were still a little clueless how foster care worked. At the beginning of her case we were working toward reunification with her birth mom. It was hard to have a baby in our house. Babies are so hard! Having to get up and feed her in the night, change her diaper every few hours, etc. But, baby T was such a great baby. Our kids loved her too. They loved to help feed her. It was hard because I was teaching preschool and coaching soccer at the time we got her, but somehow we did it. We had to take her to see her mom about 2 times a week. Sometimes the birth mom wouldn't show up because she was out of state? or sick. I really started to get my hopes up at that time.
So, I went to court. I was so nervous! I remember I was the only one in the audience and sweaty and chilled. Did I mention we wanted baby T sooo bad? At that court date they had revoked the rights of the mother. I continued to get my hopes up. Plus, a few days before that I had taken her to get her hair checked for drug exposure. It was the highest number our DCFS workers had ever seen. It was way high, I can't remember the number.
A few days later the case worker started to tell us that Kinship had come forward. What? We thought there was no one, because baby T's birth mom had a flakey family who did drugs. I still thought we could plead our case and beg for her. We met the kinship. They were both overweight and kind hillbillies, okay now I am being mean. They already had 6 kids of their own and the youngest was 12. They appeared to be in their 50's. So, to make a long story short, the "team" had a meeting and they decided to place with this other family. What?! How could there even be a question who would be a better pick for baby T? It was like her great uncle. That's what makes me mad, all the rules about how kinship trumps all no matter what.
The day we had to give T to them was sooo hard. I packed up all her stuff. We gave her a letter and a picture of us as a family (with her in it), Wes & the kids said, "Goodbye". Wes cried and it was hard to see him that way. He hardly ever cries.
I took baby T to the DCFS office. I had our daughter L with me. She loved T so much! We handed T to her birth mom. I gave her a kiss on the forehead, and I cried (I mean sobbing out loud, the ugly cry) all the way down the hall.
It was hard to go back home and continue to clean up the baby stuff, again! I kind of put piles of things in my closet for a later time when I wasn't so emotional.
We still have pictures of baby T up in our house and miss her so much. She is over a year now. I'm sure she is happy with that other family. Another thing that made me mad is she was going to be having to go to daycare daily. Even after a year I am still mad about them choosing kinship over us. Oh well, life goes on.
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